Okay, who here thinks I murdered my husband? Quick show of hands. Keep ‘em raised. All right, that is…everyone. Mmmkay. Gotta be honest - this was not what I anticipated. I truly thought the answer would be zero because it is absolutely ludicrous that you all would attend a book club with a murderess.
Wouldn’t you all be scared I’d murder you too? I could take you all out in this very room if I wanted. Maybe there’s poison in the sweet tea? Ever think of that? I could up and poison your treats.
There’s no poison, Diane. I’m making a point! Christ.You can stop gagging like a damn goose.
Why are you all here if you truly believe that I am capable of shooting my beloved in our own home and burying him in the backyard? Come to your senses. You still made the trek to my cul-de-sac, so clearly you aren’t that convinced that I could truly and passionately murder.
Besides, Garrett was an asshole. What? We can all say it. He was an asshole. Oh, is it too soon? BOO-HOO-WHO CARES? He’s dead. Just cause someone was murdered to death doesn’t mean they weren’t an asshole.
Reign it in, Diane. He was my husband and he is now deceased, so I’m the only one allowed to actually call him an asshole here. Please, just shut up.
I do want to reiterate that I am not the one who committed that murder in the basement of our duplex. Just because I thought he was a cock-sucking pig who was sexting my cousin Starla, does not mean that I murdered him in a jealous fit of rage. Anyone of us could have murdered my husband. You’re all suspects, in my opinion, and you should all be questioned. Especially you Diane. You did gag suspiciously and say he was an asshole. So, you all should be scared of Diane - not me.
Now will someone pass that cheese ball my way and can we please get on with our discussion of the The Lovely Bones?
Hi! How are you? Figured I’d drop a little note, just to catch up.
Hey, you know what I heard the other day? That every time you view someone’s LinkedIn profile, they get a notification. Every single time. I wonder if that’s true, I had no idea. Seems like an invasion of privacy if you ask me, ha ha.
Gosh, it’s been a while since we last talked, huh? Six whole months, though it hardly seems that long! I’m so glad we’ve both moved on in completely healthy and independent ways. You just hate to hear stories about desperate guys (or girls) who can’t let someone go.
Going back to the LinkedIn thing though, I mean, honestly, who knows if something like that would even be accurate, you know? I’d imagine the tool has a lot of problems that still need to be worked out. Might end up showing like three to four views a day from one particular user, even if that user doesn’t actually view your profile that much. Besides, who would spend all of their free time browsing other people’s LinkedIn profiles, night after night? I don’t know, just seems like a weird feature.
Please give your brother Tyler my best. Is he still going to Michigan State in the Fall?
You know what though, I don’t feel like it’d be off limits to view someone’s LinkedIn profile anyway. There isn’t any really personal information on there, right? Like, you can’t find out if someone is in a new relationship on LinkedIn. Or if they’ve moved out of their old apartment or anything like that. Mostly just profile picture changes and maybe a new job title every few months.
Things are good with me, though! I’m doing great and I’m extremely happy. It’s almost bizarre, how happy I am these days. Insanely, deliriously, irrationally happy.
Did you end up getting that promotion, to Associate Manager in Charge of Development, whose tasks include overseeing the production of employee training guides and setting short and long term hiring goals? If so, congratulations! You and your next boyfriend (current boyfriend?) probably won’t have to have that “who’s paying for dinner” argument that sent our two and a half year relationship into a tailspin. Or has your opinion changed on that (mine has) ha ha.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I’m seeing someone. It’s funny that we’re on the subject of LinkedIn, because she’s actually endorsed me for a few different skills: public speaking, changing when being given a chance, Wordpress — just basic things that she’s observed about the ‘new Daniel.’ Not sure if you’ve noticed her, as far as I can tell you haven’t viewed my profile once in the last six months - unless YOU’RE this mysterious ‘Marketing Professional from Spokane, Washington’ ha ha.
Is that you?
P.S. All of my passwords were hacked about six months ago and I still haven’t regained control of many of my accounts including my LinkedIn.
Patrick Cotnoir is an unemployed cool guy living in New York City (The Big Apple) (The City That Never Sleeps) (Manhattan). You can follow him on Twitter at @patrickcotnoir and give him a job!
Dear Ms. Kitty Kat,
My tail’s a wagging at the idea of being considered for the Guard Dog position at Feline & Friends Day Spa. As a well-groomed executive and man’s best friend, I can assure you I am capable of working “off-leash” on a variety of projects. Most recently, as a Barker at Freelance, I scared away intruders, including people, vacuum cleaners, and a few tumbleweeds. I’m pretty sure I also ate a fly.
I am pleased to tell you that I am fluent in Meow and cohabitate with several cats in my own household. As a dog, I have extensive experience greeting strangers and immediately sniffing their butts. It appears I do this to determine whether my new friend is in fact a friend at all. The truth is, I just really like sniffing other dog’s butts and, occasionally, the crotch on a human.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have about my qualifications.
Dear Mr. Barkswiggles,
We received your inquiry regarding the Guard Dog position at Feline & Friends Day Spa and would like to invite you for an interview nextThursday, May 13 at 10:00 AM.
Please confirm your attendance.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Are you saying I get to GO FOR A RIDE? Wow, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I AM ECSTATIC! In fact, my tail is BR-UISED from banging back and forth inside my cage.
Pant it out, Fido, pant it out!
If there is anything, and I mean ANYTHING you need from me in the meantime, just A-A-A-SKKKK!
See you … SOON!!!
Dear Mr. Barkswiggles,
On second thought, the position’s been filled.
Fido Barkswiggles is a writer and a dog and really good at Frisbee. Connect with him on LinkedIn.
[Sarah Kasbeer has contributed to Salon, The Hairpin, and Trop. Follow her on twitter @sarahkasbeer.]
One, I wouldn’t make such a big deal of it. My guess is that aliens would be weirded out by a lot of pomp and circumstance. Instead of flags and fancy handshakes and junk, I’d be all like, “Hey yo, pop a squat on that ottoman. I’ll go grab us some cold ones.” And, I bet the aliens would be like, “Awesome, yeah. Cool apartment, dude. Dope Pearl Jam poster.”
Two, I wouldn’t be all up their asses about advanced technology. You send a scientist in as first contact, and he’d be like, “Spaceship spaceship spaceship!” Yeah, I mean, we’d get to that stuff eventually, but you gotta ease into it. I’d be like, “So, what are you guys into? Music? Or just chilling out? Cool. Cool. So, like, does your spaceship run on crazy powerful crystals or something? Do you have any extra of those?”
And, then we’d get to live on a world where everything’s run on crystals and everybody has Segways and stuff. Y’know why? Because I wouldn’t be pushy about it.
Where are we at? Three?
Three, if shit goes down, I know how to handle myself. Like, say these alien dudes are interested in world domination and kidnapping folks for butt probing.
See, if the military were there, they’d be all like, “LAUNCH THE NUKES!” at even the first sign of lasers or anal probes. Whoa whoa whoa, no need for nukes. My buddy, Herc, tries that shit all the time, so I have experience in these areas. (Totally true. Whenever Herc gets wasted, he grabs dudes and tries sticking his finger up the backs of their shorts. He laughs like it’s a joke, but I think there’s something else there.)
But, instead of needing the military, I could just be like, “I got this,” and whip out some kung fu shit. Just go total Roadhouse on those aliens. I’d be like, “POW CHOP PA-POW!” And, they be all, “Oww, oooh, ugh! My big, gray head!”
Ask Tommy. He’s seen me do it to a guy once who was messing with a girl at Wawa.
Then, when the aliens are sitting on the curb, rubbing their sore heads or whatever, I’d hand them a cold brew, and I’d be like, “Sorry I had to put you guys in your place. But, you get that you pulled a dick move, right?”
And, they’d be like, “Yeah. Sorry we tried to invade you guys. We’re cool.”
Part four… Uh, okay, so everything so far has assumed these aliens were the little gray dudes who may or may not be into planetary conquering and/or butt science. Instead, if these aliens are the sexy green lady kind of aliens, I also call dibs on first contact.
For that I’m gonna need some supplies—candles, chocolate-covered cherries, maybe some scented oils. I’m kinda low on cash right now, so do you think the U.N. Nations would chip in to buy those things? They’re in charge of UFO landing stuff, right?
Can you do me a solid and call and ask them? I don’t really know anybody at the U.N. Nations, and I think it’d be weird if I just called them up asking for money for sex stuff. Anyway, let me know if you hear back from them.
I’m really excited about this first contact stuff. I think it’s gonna turn out really great.
[Andy Ross is a writer and comedian who has contributed to The Onion News Network, Comedy Central, and MAD Magazine. He runs a monthly humor series called Real Characters at McNally Jackson Books in SoHo. Follow him on twitter @waitforandy.