Hot Hot Phone

Hot Hot Phone

Being a Plastic Surgeon Is More Rewarding Than You Think

Most people don’t think very highly of plastic surgeons. Don’t bother to deny it; we know what you say behind our backs. You say that we’re shallow and greedy, that we’re wasting our medical educations catering to the worst of society’s wealthy egomaniacs, that we’re little more than money-grubbing whores with scalpels and silicon. Well, I’m here to set the record straight.

How many of you have ever stopped to consider the ways in which cosmetic surgery can completely change the life of someone with a horrible disfigurement? Once, I had a patient who had been kicked in the head by a horse – miraculously, she survived, but with the entire left side of her skull caved in. She said she would never leave her house again. But by the time I was done with her, she had a brand new pair of triple-D breasts, and now you barely even notice the head thing.

See, it’s not all about vanity with us.

What we give our patients is the greatest gift of all: confidence. When a person comes to me for help, she’s not just getting new or enhanced body parts; she’s getting an entirely new self. The best version of herself that she can possibly be. And that’s something you can’t put a price on.

Still don’t believe me? Then you’ve probably never heard about my former patient Eric, the eleven-year-old kid who got his left hand stuck in a garbage disposal. Really mangled it up. I said to him, “Eric, would you rather have all your fingers, or be the only boy in the sixth grade with giant boobs?” He just kept crying, which I took to mean “boobs.”

Anyway, I’m sure he’s doing great now.

Whether it’s a boob job, a boob enhancement, a boob augmentation, implants, or just a simple boob lift, each procedure that I perform changes one of my patients’ lives immeasurably. From the hiker who got her nose torn off by a bear (new boobs), to the zookeeper who got his lips torn off by a monkey (new boobs), to the woman who complained about back pain from her enormous boobs (new boobs on her back to balance out the weight), they all leave my office better than when they came in.

And it’s not like I only help people through my practice, either. My knowledge and expertise can serve the community at large in all sorts of ways. Take, for example, the time I saw an old lady trip on the sidewalk and open up a big cut above her eye. I didn’t hesitate. I got her into my car and drove her straight to my office, where I performed emergency surgery.

You’re probably thinking I gave her big boobs, right? Wrong. To call them “big boobs” would be nothing short of an insult. I gave her a pair of goddamn planets with nipples. Little bits of dust orbit around her midsection, that’s how gargantuan those titties are. She can’t even lie on her back anymore, she just rolls over.

I am a good man.

[Jeremiah Budin is a person and a website]

Real Marilyn Monroe Quotes

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[Alise Morales is a comedian who writes for Betches Love This and Reductress]

Check out this great video based off of Hot Hot Phone’s original piece by John Purcell, "I Am the Guy Who Writes Your Name on Your Starbucks Cup."

I think we know the lesson here! Submit your work to hotphonesubmit@gmail.com and just maybe your story will be adapted into a terrific viral video!

Dan Glaser is a comedian and writer living in New York City with his dog. He loves salad and twitter (@youranalogbuddy).
Dan Glaser is a comedian and writer living in New York City with his dog. He loves salad and twitter (@youranalogbuddy).

Dan Glaser is a comedian and writer living in New York City with his dog. He loves salad and twitter (@youranalogbuddy).

Everyone At This Book Club Thinks I Murdered My Husband

Okay, who here thinks I murdered my husband? Quick show of hands. Keep ‘em raised. All right, that is…everyone. Mmmkay. Gotta be honest - this was not what I anticipated. I truly thought the answer would be zero because it is absolutely ludicrous that you all would attend a book club with a murderess.

Wouldn’t you all be scared I’d murder you too? I could take you all out in this very room if I wanted. Maybe there’s poison in the sweet tea? Ever think of that? I could up and poison your treats. 

There’s no poison, Diane. I’m making a point! Christ.You can stop gagging like a damn goose.

Why are you all here if you truly believe that I am capable of shooting my beloved in our own home and burying him in the backyard? Come to your senses. You still made the trek to my cul-de-sac, so clearly you aren’t that convinced that I could truly and passionately murder.

Besides, Garrett was an asshole. What? We can all say it. He was an asshole. Oh, is it too soon? BOO-HOO-WHO CARES? He’s dead. Just cause someone was murdered to death doesn’t mean they weren’t an asshole.

Reign it in, Diane. He was my husband and he is now deceased, so I’m the only one allowed to actually call him an asshole here. Please, just shut up.

I do want to reiterate that I am not the one who committed that murder in the basement of our duplex. Just because I thought he was a cock-sucking pig who was sexting my cousin Starla, does not mean that I murdered him in a jealous fit of rage. Anyone of us could have murdered my husband. You’re all suspects, in my opinion, and you should all be questioned. Especially you Diane. You did gag suspiciously and say he was an asshole. So, you all should be scared of Diane - not me.

Now will someone pass that cheese ball my way and can we please get on with our discussion of the The Lovely Bones?

[Stephanie Weber runs misunderstoodconnections.tumblr.com]

Had I Known LinkedIn Was Notifying People Every Time I Viewed Their Profile I Would Have Made Some Different Choices These Last Six Months

Dear Jamie,

Hi! How are you? Figured I’d drop a little note, just to catch up.

Hey, you know what I heard the other day? That every time you view someone’s LinkedIn profile, they get a notification. Every single time. I wonder if that’s true, I had no idea. Seems like an invasion of privacy if you ask me, ha ha.

Gosh, it’s been a while since we last talked, huh? Six whole months, though it hardly seems that long! I’m so glad we’ve both moved on in completely healthy and independent ways. You just hate to hear stories about desperate guys (or girls) who can’t let someone go.

Going back to the LinkedIn thing though, I mean, honestly, who knows if something like that would even be accurate, you know? I’d imagine the tool has a lot of problems that still need to be worked out. Might end up showing like three to four views a day from one particular user, even if that user doesn’t actually view your profile that much. Besides, who would spend all of their free time browsing other people’s LinkedIn profiles, night after night? I don’t know, just seems like a weird feature.

Please give your brother Tyler my best. Is he still going to Michigan State in the Fall?

You know what though, I don’t feel like it’d be off limits to view someone’s LinkedIn profile anyway. There isn’t any really personal information on there, right? Like, you can’t find out if someone is in a new relationship on LinkedIn. Or if they’ve moved out of their old apartment or anything like that. Mostly just profile picture changes and maybe a new job title every few months.

Things are good with me, though! I’m doing great and I’m extremely happy. It’s almost bizarre, how happy I am these days. Insanely, deliriously, irrationally happy.

Did you end up getting that promotion, to Associate Manager in Charge of Development, whose tasks include overseeing the production of employee training guides and setting short and long term hiring goals? If so, congratulations! You and your next boyfriend (current boyfriend?) probably won’t have to have that “who’s paying for dinner” argument that sent our two and a half year relationship into a tailspin. Or has your opinion changed on that (mine has) ha ha.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I’m seeing someone. It’s funny that we’re on the subject of LinkedIn, because she’s actually endorsed me for a few different skills: public speaking, changing when being given a chance, Wordpress — just basic things that she’s observed about the ‘new Daniel.’ Not sure if you’ve noticed her, as far as I can tell you haven’t viewed my profile once in the last six months - unless YOU’RE this mysterious ‘Marketing Professional from Spokane, Washington’ ha ha.

Is that you?

Best,

Daniel


P.S. All of my passwords were hacked about six months ago and I still haven’t regained control of many of my accounts including my LinkedIn.

[Max Knoblauch is a writer and comedian in NYC. Follow him on Twitter or Tumblr but not on Instagram. His Instagram is private.]

 

10 Friends Episodes You never see in reruns

  • The One Where Chandler Finally Snaps And Kills The Rest Of The Gang
  • The One Where Rachel Starts Selling Her Body To Make Ends Meet 
  • The One Where Phoebe Tries Human Flesh For The First Time…And Kinda Likes It!
  • The One Where Ross Witnesses A Murder And Tells No One
  • The One Where They Eat That Stupid Duck For Dinner
  • The One Where The Friends Start An Underground Human Trafficking Ring
  • The One Where Gunther Poisons Everyone’s Coffee
  • The One Where Ross Is Brainwashed And Ordered To Kill the President
  • The One Where Monica Becomes a Skinhead
  • The One Where Joey Eats a Salad

Patrick Cotnoir is an unemployed cool guy living in New York City (The Big Apple) (The City That Never Sleeps) (Manhattan). You can follow him on Twitter at @patrickcotnoir and give him a job!

Beware of Dog

Dear Ms. Kitty Kat,

My tail’s a wagging at the idea of being considered for the Guard Dog position at Feline & Friends Day Spa. As a well-groomed executive and man’s best friend, I can assure you I am capable of working “off-leash” on a variety of projects. Most recently, as a Barker at Freelance, I scared away intruders, including people, vacuum cleaners, and a few tumbleweeds. I’m pretty sure I also ate a fly.

I am pleased to tell you that I am fluent in Meow and cohabitate with several cats in my own household. As a dog, I have extensive experience greeting strangers and immediately sniffing their butts. It appears I do this to determine whether my new friend is in fact a friend at all. The truth is, I just really like sniffing other dog’s butts and, occasionally, the crotch on a human.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have about my qualifications.

Warmest regards,

Fido Barkswiggles

 —

Dear Mr. Barkswiggles,

We received your inquiry regarding the Guard Dog position at Feline & Friends Day Spa and would like to invite you for an interview nextThursday, May 13 at 10:00 AM.

Please confirm your attendance.

Regards,

Ms. Kat

Dear Kitty,

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Are you saying I get to GO FOR A RIDE? Wow, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I AM ECSTATIC! In fact, my tail is BR-UISED from banging back and forth inside my cage.

Pant it out, Fido, pant it out!

If there is anything, and I mean ANYTHING you need from me in the meantime, just A-A-A-SKKKK!

See you … SOON!!!

Ever-so-fondly,

Fido

Dear Mr. Barkswiggles,

On second thought, the position’s been filled. 

**

Fido Barkswiggles is a writer and a dog and really good at Frisbee. Connect with him on LinkedIn.

[Sarah Kasbeer has contributed to SalonThe Hairpin, and Trop. Follow her on twitter @sarahkasbeer.]

Better Netflix

[“Ben Baker is a writer living in Arlington, Virginia. Like everyone else, he is on Twitter.]