Most people don’t think very highly of plastic surgeons. Don’t bother to deny it; we know what you say behind our backs. You say that we’re shallow and greedy, that we’re wasting our medical educations catering to the worst of society’s wealthy egomaniacs, that we’re little more than money-grubbing whores with scalpels and silicon. Well, I’m here to set the record straight.
How many of you have ever stopped to consider the ways in which cosmetic surgery can completely change the life of someone with a horrible disfigurement? Once, I had a patient who had been kicked in the head by a horse – miraculously, she survived, but with the entire left side of her skull caved in. She said she would never leave her house again. But by the time I was done with her, she had a brand new pair of triple-D breasts, and now you barely even notice the head thing.
See, it’s not all about vanity with us.
What we give our patients is the greatest gift of all: confidence. When a person comes to me for help, she’s not just getting new or enhanced body parts; she’s getting an entirely new self. The best version of herself that she can possibly be. And that’s something you can’t put a price on.
Still don’t believe me? Then you’ve probably never heard about my former patient Eric, the eleven-year-old kid who got his left hand stuck in a garbage disposal. Really mangled it up. I said to him, “Eric, would you rather have all your fingers, or be the only boy in the sixth grade with giant boobs?” He just kept crying, which I took to mean “boobs.”
Anyway, I’m sure he’s doing great now.
Whether it’s a boob job, a boob enhancement, a boob augmentation, implants, or just a simple boob lift, each procedure that I perform changes one of my patients’ lives immeasurably. From the hiker who got her nose torn off by a bear (new boobs), to the zookeeper who got his lips torn off by a monkey (new boobs), to the woman who complained about back pain from her enormous boobs (new boobs on her back to balance out the weight), they all leave my office better than when they came in.
And it’s not like I only help people through my practice, either. My knowledge and expertise can serve the community at large in all sorts of ways. Take, for example, the time I saw an old lady trip on the sidewalk and open up a big cut above her eye. I didn’t hesitate. I got her into my car and drove her straight to my office, where I performed emergency surgery.
You’re probably thinking I gave her big boobs, right? Wrong. To call them “big boobs” would be nothing short of an insult. I gave her a pair of goddamn planets with nipples. Little bits of dust orbit around her midsection, that’s how gargantuan those titties are. She can’t even lie on her back anymore, she just rolls over.
I am a good man.
[Jeremiah Budin is a person and a website]