As many of you are aware, we’re fast approaching the due date of Baby Girl Jennings. I want to address the many emails, phone calls and Facebook messages I’ve received suggesting I name my daughter Kim.
The name Kim puts me in mind of Kim Jong Il and Kim Jon Un - not what I want to think of with my precious new daughter in my arms!
I also knew a Kim in high school, Kim Stadler, who made fun of me and called me Wacky Jackie. I haven’t gotten over that.
I hesitate to mention this next reason, but I think a lot of the pressure to consider the name “Kim” stems from Cousin Kim’s recent passing. Without offending her husband Richard, I’d like to also offer reasons why I’d rather not name my unborn daughter after Kim.
Cousin Kim was found floating in a jacuzzi in Fort Lauderdale, surrounded by many empty spray paint cans and shot glasses, indicating that Kim had done several rounds of whippets and was very drunk at the time of her passing. The male escorts who called 911 denied seeing her consume alcohol or drugs but their mere presence strongly suggests the opposite. This legacy is not what I would like to foist upon my daughter’s small shoulders.
Besides, I’ve always wanted to name my daughter after a strong, female literary character. Perhaps Elizabeth after Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice .
Look, I don’t want to give the wrong impression. I guess we can’t know for sure what happened in that jacuzzi in Fort Lauderdale, though Richard seems very convinced the Illuminati were involved. While I am less sure of that particular conclusion, the circumstances of Cousin Kim’s death aren’t the only reason I’d rather not name my daughter after her. Her life contained plenty of reasons to balk at bestowing her name on my baby.
Are we all just forgetting Kim’s family record-setting 3 divorces - all to Richard whom she met in Narcotics Anonymous for a whippet addiction?But sure, Richard, the Illuminati killed your wife because she was ‘too close’. Too close to what? What fiction were you two spinning in your dark corner of Akron?
WE ALL KNOW it was Kim who ran over Aunt Susie and Uncle Marc’s beloved pomeranian, Buttons, but no one will talk about it. She told me it was a ‘mercy-killing’ because all purebreds have hip problems sooner or later. I’d sooner name my daughter Buttons. That dog was a saint.
I’d like for my daughter to be world-renowned for more than contracting and cultivating a yeast infection that ‘baffled’ specialists at the Mayo Clinic. I’d like her to have fewer than 3 states actively seeking her arrest. I’d like for her not to pride herself on ‘owning’ a wardrobe shoplifted entirely from Forever 21. So no, I won’t be naming my infant daughter Kimberley and saddling her with a name of a woman Dr. Phil dubbed his most “unfixable” guest.
This letter can also serve as my formal refusal to write Kim’s eulogy. I’m not sure why I was nominated. We were not ‘like sisters’, Aunt Chelsea. I’ve never met a pair of sisters in which one was slowly and methodically draining the other’s 401K. “Mommy, why can’t I go to Dartmouth?” “Oh, because the lady you’re named after stole your future.”
For those of us still grieving the loss of Kim and her dimly lit future, I offer this comfort: Let us not forget that she has faked her own death before. She might be doing it again.
[Jackie is a performer and writer at the UCB Theater in NY. You can check out her videos at jackiejennings.com and her microblogging on Twitter as @ohhijackie.]
Title: “Our Date Ain’t Over Till We Fuck”
0.10: Her father says he’s concerned about her grades, but it’s clear that he finds her developing sexuality threatening.
0.37: Oh, he just said it: “Ever since you sprouted, it seems like everything is a big secret.” A little on the nose, but their chemistry is sizzling.
0.44: She acts like she doesn’t care, but I think she wants him to keep asking about her life. I hope he doesn’t give up on her.
0.50: That BLT is sizzling, too.
0.57: She seems turned on by the scolding. Then her boyfriend calls.
1.16: Boyfriend called her friends “bitches” and she says she’s tired of their “bullshit,” but they never say why. Intriguing.
1.42: Two minute single shot of her getting undressed followed by a slow-motion shot of her looking in the mirror and swinging her hair. Did Wes Anderson direct this?
2.17: I bet her director made her lose weight for this role.
3.13: That is only half a shirt.
3.44: Her dad came back to argue about trust. It’s so obvious that they want each other. He is 50-plus but wearing wide-leg black skater pants and an orange button-down.
5.00: Boyfriend just called her a bitch after she told him he couldn’t come in.
5.26: She said she had to study, but she really meant “I have to fall asleep on my couch in my date outfit with my panties exposed and no blanket.”
6.05: And the boyfriend’s back in the house. Guess she didn’t lock the front door.
6.50: He is going to kill her, based on this music.
8.19: No way she wouldn’t wake up after he rubbed his crotch with her foot.
9.07: She said no, but now she likes it. This girl is confusing.
9.07: But this is definitely rape.
10.54: She would so rather be blowing her dad.
14.05: No condom?!
16.02: That actor knew his bum would be in close-up and definitely trimmed or waxed.
17.14: They are looking into each other’s eyes. This is getting really romantic.
17.30: He finished on her boobs. Now I’ll never know what her bitchy friends did.
[Kiki Tarkhan is a writer and performer living in Brooklyn. Her Twitter is @alexkiki.]
Hello! I’m Maggie McDonahue, and I’m here to talk to you about your sixth sense… the sense of self! That’s right, you’re all here because you want to learn how to be a better version of yourself. And I can teach you how to do that in a program I’ve designed specially to build your confidence and self-worth! First, I’d like you to all close your eyes.
I want you to imagine yourself. Now, I want you to imagine yourself again, but this time, you are perfect.
Open your eyes. How many of you saw the same person? How many of you saw someone that looked different? Let me tell you a secret. You are perfect. All of you are! Do you know how I know this? Because I am perfect!
I am perfect. I am perfect. I am perfect. Say that with me! I am perfect! I used to be just like you and thought that I needed to change in order to be a better person. I dyed my hair. I got breast implants. I got veneers. And then, after all of those surgeries and procedures, it actually worked! I am now actually perfect!
You can be perfect too! All you have to do is change everything about yourself that other people don’t like, and voila! I used to wake up every day feeling like I wasn’t good enough, that I would never amount to anything. I would look into the mirror and think, if only my nose were smaller and my teeth were straighter, people would like me more. And boy, was I right!
I used to be afraid of getting into relationships because I thought everyone was going to leave me when they eventually saw the real me. But now, I wear makeup to sleep!
I used to shave my happy trail and it would keep growing back even darker and coarser. I should have just left it alone but I was self-conscious when I wore midriffs. It got to the point where it would grow back so fast I’d have to carry a Bic razor on me in case a date went really well and we went back to his place. But then, I got laser hair removal and now I’m smooth like a baby!
You might be asking yourself, all these surgeries and procedures sound expensive! How will I pay for them? The answer is easy. I started selling knives! That’s right, I became a door to door knife salesperson for Cutkin™. And with my new perfect body, the knives practically sold themselves. I was making a few thousand dollars a week, easily. I didn’t stop until every resident of Monmouth County, NJ had a set of Cutkin™ knives. Then, I went to Middlesex, Union, Essex, and Bergen. I sold out in Sussex, and Warren, and Morris, and Somerset. I kept going until I sold out the entire state of New Jersey. I was promoted to regional sales manager at Cutkin™ because of my immense success. Now, my apartment is full of knives, and there are no more counties in New Jersey to sell them to. So I’m asking you here today to look at yourself. Do you think you are perfect? Because you definitely are not! But don’t worry. That can change.
Sign up for my PERFECT PROGRAM and you will receive forty cases of knives which you can then sell and keep all the earnings for your self-improvement surgeries. All you have to do is pay a ONE TIME FEE of $2000 to me today, and you will receive the cases in the mail. You can start your road to being perfect today! A woman’s most attractive trait is her self-worth.
(Please! Please?? Please, will you buy these knives from me? I’m in so much debt right now. I can’t sell anymore knives. Someone buy these knives from me! I’M PERFECT! I’M PERFECT! Goddammit I am so perfect and my life means nothing. Oh GOD! DON’T YOU WANT TO BE PERFECT TOO!?)
[Teresa Taiyi Lee is a comedy producer and sometimes gogo dancer. She tweets here: @leresatee.]